Scary Moment Cake

All parents worry about their children being ripped from their lives.  Even my most relaxed parent friends have that little black thought lurking somewhere in their heads, not too far from the surface.  What if something happens? What if they go away from me?

When the girls were about 6 months old I had a vivid dream that I had given O to a trusted friend who was carrying her in her car seat.  We were heading to a fringe festival play, and I had Z while my friend was somewhere else with O, but I knew we would all meet up at the theatre.  Once I had the tickets I went in to find my friend and there she was, but she did not have O.  When questioned the friend told me that she had just put O, and the car seat, "over with the coats".  I hurried over to the place where audience members had been tossing their coats in a pile, and O was not there.  She wasn't anywhere.  In the dream I frantically searched for my baby, told anyone who would listen that she was missing, and eventually the whole cast of the dream was searching, organizing candlelight vigils, etc. etc.  I woke up with my heart pounding so hard I could almost see it, jumped up, looked around and saw O right there, sleeping peacefully beside her dad.  The flood of relief was crazy. In my lifetime I have never known a comparable feeling of thankfulness.  It was a dream!  She wasn't gone.  She was right there.  Right there.

When I was pregnant with the girls I was part of another fear turned to relief moment.  I was working as a performer/storyteller at our provincial museum.  I decided to take my break in one of the two main lobbies.  I was sitting in a leather chair, absent-mindedly watching the crowds, when I noticed two moms walking across the big hall with all their kids trailing behind.  The youngest of the group was a tiny girl who was probably between two and three years old. As the little girl toddled along she had her face in  one of the museum guide pamphlets, happily looking at a picture of a big wooly mammoth.  She did not see the rest of the group swerve to go look at a showcase of stuffed birds.  She just kept walking forward and had soon passed through the big doors into the other lobby and was swallowed up into the snaking line of people waiting to pay their admission.  And in two huge lobbies teeming with people, I was the only one who had seen this happen.  The mom turned, did a kid head count, and then I saw the panic hit hard.  The mom began to spin, scan, call.  In the space of a few seconds I saw all of it flood into that mom - abduction?  No, please no. I was far enough away that it took me a few moments to get over to her but I got there and just said: "She's over here."  The mom followed me to the door of the other lobby.  There was a sea of people in there, but in an instant I saw the little girl, face still in pamphlet, far across the room. She had quietly wandered through the crowd unnoticed.  "There!'  I pointed, "Do you see her, by the totem poles?"  The girl was at least 30 feet away from us.  The mom saw her baby and said: "Yes!  There she is!"  She rushed forward and then quickly glanced back and said: "Thank you!" and then I lost sight of both of them in the throngs.  That mom and I never saw one another again.  But I bet we remember one another, and I imagine I am a character in her story version of the event just as she is in mine.  Only in her version a giant pregnant woman in a Victorian costume appeared out of nowhere to point her to her lost child.

Yesterday J, the twins, and I did the epic drive from my parents' apartment back home to our Town.  This trip includes a ferry trip, so the entire journey, if you do it in one day, takes about 13 or 14 hours.  And we had to do it in one day as J had to work today.  The entire province was experiencing horrid weather, and the southern to central half, which includes this whole trip, was drenched in rain.  J took on all the driving, and it was pretty darn scary.  We were being pummeled with the kind of rain with which windshield wipers can barely compete.  We hit patches of thick fog and puddles that were really small lakes.  It was all pretty crazy, but there was one moment that kind of took the scary moment cake.

We stopped in a small town to gas up, and just as we had gotten ourselves back into the car and on to the highway J said:  "Jesus."  I looked ahead to see, through the murky, darkening, world, that an on coming semi was passing a car right in front of us.  This was on a double solid line.  The semi was bearing down hard and fast, in our lane, and it was going to hit us head on.  J steered over so that one wheel was on the shoulder and the other was in the grass.  The semi squeaked back into it's own lane about the moment we passed it.  If not for J we would probably all be dead today.  That fast.   After it was over J and I agreed that neither of us had even had enough time to get scared or freaked out, because it all happened so fast.  But afterwards, for a few moments, I allowed the "what ifs" to creep over me.  What if J hadn't been in superhero mode?  What if I'd been driving instead and wasn't as clear headed?  But my biggest, most horrible what if is always this - what if I survived but.... nope, can't even type the rest of that thought out.

I've been reading a couple of blogs lately from parents who have had to face, or are facing, this horrible question: how do I, how will I, how can I, survive this?  One blog is that of a woman whose son drowned, and the other is that of a dad whose two year old has ravaging leukemia.  So I know that people can and do get through.  But I admit freely that a huge part of my life right now is lived in fear of these two perfect baby girls somehow exiting my life.

We are home today, safe and sound.  All four of us.  But yesterday I did look this great parenting fear right in the face in the form of a giant truck grill.

Love your kids, devote yourselves to them, and remember that no matter how slow that car in front of you is going, it is never worth it to reckless pass and almost wipe out a small family.

The Keys to Freedom

It's been a bit of a week, in a bit of a month, in a bit of a year.

Oh I know, I know.  Everyone has it rough, and tough, and we all have problems and blah, blah, blah.  But here's the thing.  I'm only human, and humans can be superhuman, and humans can be less than human.  Right now I feel like I am a bit of both.

J is away on a business trip, and once again I am here, in our house, with MIL, her dog, and the twins.  So, for all intents and purposes I am the only functioning adult in the house.  And all the other four beings need something from me pretty much constantly.

Living in a teeny town is great, and in the summer season there is so much to do.  But now it is the off season, and the limitations of living in a teeny town with twin toddlers and a failing mom in law are magnified as, aside from yet ANOTHER walk outside, there is often nothing to do to keep everyone occupied.

MIL is failing fast, and the stress of that alone is enough to push me to teetering.  The girls need me more than ever when J is away, and right now, far too often, that neediness presents itself in the form of whining, which is like pouring acid on already frayed nerves.  I am so behind in paperwork that I have become phobic about even starting to deal with all the papers stuffed in my file cabinets.  The idea of the amount of stuff I need to do this winter to get set up for next spring is stalking my subconscious.  And to top it all off I'm running low on food.

There is a small grocery store here, but it has a limited selection and, of course, a bit of a mark up so the owners can have a viable business.  Thank goodness we have the store.  But I have a few mouths to feed and I cannot rely solely on the little store so my once weekly trips to the bigger town for a full grocery shop are imperative and, aside from the stress of having to repeatedly get two toddlers in and out of the car, the town trips are a way to get out of Dodge and take a deep breath and remember what it is like to be in a place with traffic lights and strangers and restaurants that open all day and malls (even if they are lame malls).

So a couple of days ago I got me and the girls all up, bathed, dressed and ready to go to town.  I was trying to be really quiet as I wanted to leave MIL at home this time to make the trip go more smoothly, and if I could sneak out I would be home before she was even up for the day.  I used the auto-starter to get the car going, and then got us all booted and mittened and coated up, and went to grab my keys.  And they weren't in the drawer and they weren't in my purse and after tearing the house apart and reassembling it I am pretty confident they have evaporated into thin air.

My keys are MIA.  I haven't needed them for a couple of weeks, so I haven't had the need to look for them.  They are always where they are supposed to be.  Except this time. My best guesses are: they fell out in the locked car and are on the floor and I can't get to them because the car is locked, OR the girls were playing with my purse, OR my MIL took them as she gets mixed up about this life and her old life sometimes and maybe thought they were hers, OR I dropped them somewhere outside.  And J is out of town with the only other set.  So I am stuck here.  Stuck.  So stuck.

In a remote town like this, car keys equal freedom.  I have misplaced my freedom.  Shit.

Last night J put a new key on the Greyhound and it will get here some time today so by the time someone drives in and gets it for me and then drives back it will be evening, and tomorrow I agreed to watch a friend's kids, and then it will be Wednesday by the time I can get to town and J will be coming home that day anyway.

So this is one of those weeks when our blissful living arrangements seem like a messed up idea.  This week I want easy access to daycare, and public transit, and a spa, and a restaurant, and all the stuff that the big city can offer.

So I was deep in this place of self pity when Hurricane Sandy hit the east coast and managed to cripple New York City.  And it struck me that for a brief moment the most important metropolis in the world had fewer amenities than our tiny town.  Wow.  That is amazing and really should provide some glimmer of comfort and make me appreciate my own life.  But right now I am too busy feeling all sorry for myself to be that big and logical.  I just want my damn keys.

Holding the Hands of the New York Mom

Last night, after the kids were asleep and I was in bed looking at google news, I read about the woman in New York's Upper West Side who came home yesterday to discover the horror of two of her children murdered by their nanny.  I haven't stopped thinking about it since.  I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it.  I woke this morning thinking about it.

That mom is a million years away from me in so many ways - affluent, American, urban - but in the one way that matters most, we are exactly the same.  We are mothers who love our kids and spend the majority of our lives protecting them from harm and always feeling like we are falling short.  She is a mom, just like me.

Last night, before I shut down my laptop, I read some of the comments people were leaving on the internet about this tragic thing, and I was sickened to see how many people (other moms in particular) were quick to jump to the heartless conclusion that the mom was to blame.  If she had been home, they coldly posited, this never would've happened.  She should have been home, they typed, because "I stay at home and never let my kids out of my sight."

What is WRONG with you people?  What is wrong with you people who could be this judgmental and smug  about a woman who has just looked into the face of our biggest collective fear?  Where are your hearts?  Where is your soul?

This is "blame the victim" once again.  This is what we do.  We see someone endure a horrific crime and we immediately look for ways that it was the victim's fault, because as long as we can blame the victim we can comfort ourselves with the notion that we would NEVER make the same mistake that led to this tragedy.  If a woman is raped we can say: "she never should have been walking alone at night and wearing a short skirt.  I would never do that, therefore I will never be raped."   We can say: "I would never leave my kids with a nanny, therefore my kids will never be murdered by the nanny."  This is the coldest, meanest, and most small minded logic.  This mom did nothing wrong.  She left two of her children with her trusted nanny.  I am a stay at home mom these days, and every so often I get a sitter so I can do something on my own.  Am I asking for it?  My friends here in our small town sometimes ask if they can leave their kids with me so they can have a few hours to get stuff done.  Are they making a grievous error by doing so?  Of course not.

This is a gender issue with a twist.  This is a gender issue wherein women are judging another woman. This woman is a rich, stay at home mom therefore it is her duty to be home?  Bullshit.  The facts so far suggest this mom was out with her third child and left the other two with the nanny.  So there you go, judgers, she was still being a mom while she was out, she was just doing what we all do - she was making things a bit easier (a bit) by doing something with one kid and opting for care for the other two so she didn't have to juggle three kids while out in the world.  And if she had been out on her own getting a pedicure or seeing a film she would still be completely innocent.  A mom gets to take a parenting break when she needs one.  If I could afford a nanny I would have one just so I could be by myself for an hour or so every day.  That wouldn't make me a lesser woman or a bad mom.  A full time stay at home dad would be allowed to have a night out or a beer with a friend on occasion.  This woman has money, and she was choosing to use some of it to make the overwhelming job of parenting three children a bit easier by employing a nanny.    And I'm looking at YOU women who judge other women.  Stop it.  I don't know what I would do without the support of my mom friends, and this morning all I want to be is a friend to that woman in New York who is living our worst nightmare.  She is my sister, and although she does not know I exist and probably never will, today I am making it my business to defend her, to metaphorically hold her hand.  I can do absolutely nothing to ease this woman's unspeakable grief, but at least I can, from afar, say over and over: "It is not your fault.  It is in no way your fault."  It's a small thing.  It's a tiny thing.  But it's the thing I can do.

Another Can't Sleep Stupid Blog Meme to Make up for Lack of Real Update

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.  All books in my vicinity have fewer than 18 pages.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? The side of the couch.
3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Surfing the net.
4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Undeclared.  (that is the name of the show, not a description of my answer)
5. Without looking, guess what time it is 4:12 am.  
6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 4am.
7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? fridge running, clock ticking, husband snoring.
8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Around 8 last night went out to see the northern lights.
9. Did you dream last night? Yes.
10. Do you remember your dreams? Some of them.
11. When did you last laugh? Last night.
12. Do you remember why / at what? Recapping the day for my husband and laughing at my kids.
13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Art, clock, curtains.
14. Seen anything weird lately? Dead bear.
15. What do you think of this quiz? It is typical.
16. What is the last film you saw? Ironman 2.
17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I need to check out more places before I could make that decision.
18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? My freedom.
19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. I know sign language.
20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Stop sexism.
21. Do you like to dance? Not in public.
22. Would you ever consider living abroad? Yes,
23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams? I assume so.
24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? I think it was my husband's uncle.
25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? pictures.
26. Last time you swam in a pool? April.
27. Type of music you like most? Folk, musical theatre, pop.
28. Type of music you dislike most? Hard rock.
29. Are you listening to music right now? no.
30. What color is your bedroom carpet? no carpet.
31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Re-do the downstairs.
32. What was the last thing you bought? groceries,
33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? no.
34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? no.
35. Do you have a garden? ummm...kind of, a neglected one.
36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? what? of course.
37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? what do I need to worry about today.
38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? David Letterman.
39. Who sent the last text message you received? Kara.
40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Chintz and Co.
41. What time is bed time? Around 9pm.
42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I just lol-ed.
43. How many tattoos do you have? none.
44. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? only kind of.
45. What did you do for your last birthday? worked. My mom made me a gluten free cake.
46. Do you carry a donor card? no.
47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? kids.
48. Is the glass half empty or half full? vacillates. 
49. What's the farthest-away place you've been? Europe.
50. When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last week.
51. Have you ever won a trophy? yes.
52. Are you a good cook? marginal.
53. Do you know how to pump your own gas? one must.
54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? Great, great, great grandparents.
55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? no.
56. Do you touch-type? no.
57. What's under your bed? floor, sub-floor, .boards, insulation, basement ceiling, air, mom in law's suite, carpet, sub-floor, boards, crawl space, plastic, earth, rock, molten core, more dirt, China.
58. Do you believe in love at first sight? no.
59. Think fast, what do you like right now? peace of mind.
60. Where were you on Valentine's day? can't recall.
61. What time do you get up? when I wake up.
62. What was the name of your first pet? Ambrose.
63. Who is the second to last person to call you? Can't remember.
64. Is there anything going on this weekend? No.
65. How are you feeling right now? Okay,  Weary, a bit anxious,  Status quo.
66. What do you think about the most? Money, kids, getting organised.
67. What time do you get up in the morning? This is the same as question 61.
68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?  I would only tell close family and friends, after a visit to a financial adviser.
69. Who would you tell first? My husband.
70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? Footloose.
71. Do you sing in the shower? I rarely shower.  I bathe.
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Fuck off, another repeat question.
73. What do you do most when you are bored? Internet.
74. What do you do for a living? Act and write,
75. Do you love your job? I do.
76. What did you want to be when you grew up? Artist.
77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? Artist and writer.
78. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Fuck off.
79. How many keys on your key ring? A few, soon to be 2.
80. Where would you retire to? Millionaire Acres.
81. What kind of car do you drive? Saturn.
82. What are your best physical features? Hair and hands.
83. What are your best characteristics? Wit and compassion and relentless creativity and a complete ability to not give a shit if people like me or not.
84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Right now, Maui, because people I respect say it is awesome and because I have never once had a vacation for pleasure and relaxation.
85. What kind of books do you like to read? Grown up books.  They all seem like a distant memory.
86. Where would you want to retire to? Hello, question 80.  Nice to see you again.
87. What is your favorite time of the day? When I am asleep.
88. Where did you grow up? In a nice, mid-sized city.
89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? About a 9 hour drive.
90. What are you reading now? This question.
91. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning.
92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no.
93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? wtf?
94. Do you have pets? no.
95. How many rings before you answer the phone? again, wtf?
96. What is your best childhood memory? all pretty good.
97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? kid photographer, actor, writer.
98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? no.
99. What is most important in life? love.
100. What Inspires You? Capital Letters On Every Word! 

Worrier Princess

When J and I were freshly engaged my mom said this to him: "She's a little worrier, J.  And she always has been." She would know.

Anxiety plagues my family.  Everyone on both sides seems to give excessive attention to all the things that could go horribly wrong in every situation.  There are only a couple of blood relatives I can think of who do/did not over-worry.  My paternal grandfather was pretty chill, and he lived to be 101 years old.  My niece, T, does not seem to stress as much as the rest of us.  Other than those two, we are all complete neurotics.

I once saw a special on the making of "Seinfeld".  Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David were being interviewed about the initial success of the series, and their reactions to the network ordering more and more episodes.  Jerry thought it was great!  Larry was paralyzed with stress with each request for another script.  He could not imagine himself able to rise to the task.  I saw myself in Larry David.  I would never be the Jerry, shrugging and all "it'll work out."  I am the Larry.  I want success, but when it is staring me in the face I am all: "I will NEVER be able to pull this off!"

I think our world is set up for Larrys not Jerrys.  Our society had become so complicated, fast paced and success-centric that we are all balls of stress pretending not to be.  There is a good reason that so many of us are searching for a simpler life.  There is a reason why downsizing, growing our own food, and  greening up our lives, has become so trendy.  It is my belief that we all suspect, even if only subconsciously, that something has got to give and we want to be ready with our bunker in the mountains and firewood and home canned food when we officially strive ourselves into implosion.

Lately I have been really fixated on a single issue in my life.  I won't go into specifics, because, obviously, that would stress me out.  But I think about this issue a lot.  And when I think about it just logically, I know it is really not a big deal.  But tell that to the little demon in my brain.  That demon always needs one point of fixation on which to survive.  Kind of like how the plant in Little Shop of Horrors needed human blood.  Because if and when I stop fixating on this ONE thing, that demon will immediately start to feed on something else.

One of the kids recently woke me in the middle of the night.  After I'd settled the baby back down I couldn't get back to sleep myself and immediately began to stress about the thing I am currently stressing about.  So, to distract myself, I started to think about my pattern of stressing out.  Here's a few episodes I thought of:

The first panic attack I can clearly recall happened in grade one when I realized I'd forgotten to return a stack of flashcards I'd borrowed.  I slept in bunk beds with my sister, and I can so keenly remember lying in the top bunk, my six year old head hot with anxiety about what would become of a kid who committed such an atrocity as this.  I schemed about how I might get to school early, before the teacher, and sneak the cards onto her desk.  In the end, I, in a state of pure terror, walked up to her desk, handed my teacher the cards, and she said: "Oh, thank you."  And that was that.  It was all fine.

When I was fifteen I settled in to study for my French final exam, and without warning I suddenly was pounded with the manufactured realization that I had waited too long to cram and I would surely fail and that there was nothing I could do to stop it.  This fear came out of mid-air, landed on me and I became paralyzed.  I could not study.  I was so panic stricken that I just turned out the light,   crawled under the covers and waited until the morning when I could march to the gallows and get it over with.  The exam was fine, and I passed the course easily.

When I was in my 20s, at university, I realized that the student loan people had neglected to send me a specific form that was standard procedure then - a confirmation that the borrower had worked in the summer and was also contributing to his or her own education financially.  I called and asked for the form to be sent and it didn't arrive.  I called again.  And then, one evening, I convinced myself that the lack of this form meant that I would not be eligible for the breaks the government was then giving to students who completed their degrees in a timely manner, and I would have to pay back the entire amount, and consequently my entire adulthood was now blown. Cue flop sweat, shakes, and an overwhelming need to lie down.  Of course the form eventually arrived in the mail, I filled it out and all was well.

Oh I could go on.  But those examples probably paint the picture well enough.

This pattern of sudden, brutal anxiety has etched itself into my entire life.  I don't ALWAYS react to adversity with a panic attack.  In fact, many of the situations that actually should cause panic I handle quite well.  I'm really, really good at many of the really big things.  I have been called upon to help people who are at the end of their lives and have found the experience profound and rich and fascinating and in no way scary.  I stand up in front of crowds and speak and perform on a very regular basis.  I have zero problem with confrontation, yet I am anxious every day when I have to get the mail because I am sure there will be some sort of horrible message that will turn my life on its head.  And  sometimes, with little warning, I fixate on something totally random and spiral and feel like Larry David facing a blank page on a computer screen.

I have come to believe that this kind of anxiety disorder (is it a disorder?) is so much a part of me that it must be somehow connected to the parts of me that I really like - my creativity, my wit, my ability to recognize the beauty in the ugliness of life.   So I accept it and try to do what I am doing now - to remind myself that it is, indeed, a pattern.  If I can show myself that this is me, and this is my own special crazy and without it I would be a lesser version of myself, then I can usually talk myself down and get on with things.

I think Larry David is brilliant.  I love him.  And ever since I saw that interview I always think of him as a kindred spirit.  He knows he has something to say, and work to do, and as much as his demon makes him doubt himself, he gets on with it.  So I am okay with being a Larry.  Larrys grit their teeth and get the job done.

Neurotic and Themeless

I have been feeling, as a blog owner, remiss at not having posted in earnest in some time.  Thing is, I haven't really had any burning subject to address.  There is much on my mind, as usual, but nothing that is shaking itself down into a single, neat little theme.  So for now here are a few subjects I have crowding my neurotic brain:

1. I HATE dealing with money.  Hate it.  And now that I have a house and kids and a reasonable income I have to get over my lifelong aversion to learning how money REALLY works in this complicated society.  Ugh.  The very thought of it all makes me want to have a little lie down.

2. One of my absolute, rage inducing peeves right now is second hand parenting - when other people decide to chime in and parent my kids.  I try never to do this to other kids, but yesterday I had to bite my tongue hard when other parents made me feel inadequate.  Their kids do stuff I don't like, or agree with, and I have never ONCE had to gall to say anything to their child.  In fact, I go out of my way to be loving to other peoples' kids, no matter what they do.  Because I remember so keenly how deeply affected I was by the admonishments of grown ups who were not my parents.  So there you go...I'm better than you!  (Ha - that was said very much with tongue in cheek.)

3. Now that the season is over I am reminding myself of rule number one of living in a town this tiny - do not let anything anyone else thinks or says about you in.  Don't worry about people who have opinions about how you keep your yard, or if you put up enough Christmas lights, or why you are no longer friends with someone, or where you park your car.  Don't worry about it, try not to think about it, and just try to be courteous and live peacefully among it all.

That's all for now.  A better post is coming.  I promise.  Soon.  Well, soon-ish.

Really Stupid Meme

I haven't had time to write a post for ages, and I have no inspiration, so I decided to copy the first meme questionairre I could find and without reading it over, to copy it and fill it out.  So here it is.  It's really stupid:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

I should brush Z's teeth while she's peeing.

2. How much cash do you have on you?

180 bucks.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

Albacore.

4. Favorite planet?

I have never given this a second of consideration.  This will not change.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

I have never had a cell phone.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

Good grief.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A white T-shirt that I have never seen before but surfaced in my laundry basket when I was looking for a T-shirt.  It is, clearly, the Laundry Basket of Requirement.

8. Do you label yourself?

WTF?

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

My feet are unadorned.

10. Bright or Dark Room?

Bright in day, dark at night.  What a stupid question.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

I did not get it from another person.

12. What does your watch look like?

Silver, Anne Klein.  Pretty.  I'd rather have a large, silver man's watch because, clearly, cooler.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I was asleep.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

Was this meme written by a cell phone company?

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

About an hour's drive away.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

"Clearly", clearly.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

J.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

A toy.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

I have taken much ibuprofen, as I have a migraine.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

2001 called.  It wants this question back.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

I do not play favourites with my own ages.

22. Your worst enemy?

There are so many...how could I ever pick just ONE?

23. What is your current desktop picture?

Kids.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

"Stop kicking the com-pillar!"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

Money.  No contest.

26. Do you like someone?

Like...or like like?

27. The last song you listened to?

"Tomorrow".  Performed by a three year old.

28. What time of day were you born?

Evening.

29. What’s your favorite number?

Why would anyone care?

30. Where did you live in 1987?

Victoria, BC.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

I try not to be, but I sometimes am.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

I think, probably, yes.  Maybe.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

Langley, BC.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

Call the number and get my money back.  Not kidding.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

Yes.  But I also consider myself mean.  Work that out.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

Never.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

French.  It's such a beautiful sound.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

We have moved many times, and always after discussion about what is best for all of us.

39. Are you touchy feely?

Can be.

40. What’s your life motto?

As long as it's funny.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Wedding rings and watch.  Except when I don't.

42. What’s your favourite town/city?

I love many.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

My grocery cart.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

2001.  But I just GOT a letter.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

No I cannot.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

That he is as much of a loser as I remembered.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

On one side, very far back.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

I wear fancy costumes all the time, for work.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

Jeezus - all of it.

50. Have you been burned by love?

I am in my 40s, so yes.