J and I have managed to organise our lives so that, right now, in this moment, we have everything we've ever wanted. We have a home, two beautiful children, we live in the mountains, we have good jobs, and yet, we are still a fraction away from nirvana as there is one HUGE impediment to our complete happiness, and that is the fact that it all comes at a cost.
We have become sought after artists - and the trade off for this is no days off. We have beautiful children - yet we feel we are not there for them enough. We have a home we love - yet we are too busy to keep up with yard work, etc. I have my long dreamed of sanctuary and I never feel at peace here because my ailing, extremely messy to the point of filthy, mother in law makes me so ill at ease that I can never relax in my own home and I can no longer even bear to go down to the lower floor of the house as it breaks my heart to see what she's done to the place. We have a wonderful marriage, yet we see one another so rarely that when we do we need to use the time to get stuff done rather than have any quality time together.
We are busy morning, noon and night. At our worst we resent one another for not being there to support and are competitive about who has the tougher lot. At our best we remember to be grateful because this is what we wished for.
I have, as a result of all this, determined that once the busy summer season is over, I am taking on nothing new. I have decided not to start PhD studies, for now. I have decided to spend the Fall and Winter being with my daughters, creating art that I can do on my own, really and truly moving in to this house, dealing with the mom in law situation, and trying to just be. It sounds creepily New Age-y, which I hate, but I think we are truly at the "something's gotta give" place and I am more than happy to be the one to give in and say: "enough."
I'd like to write more now, but the truth is I need to rush off to another rehearsal (this after a full day of work) and J is out of town directing a show. The girls are at me to play with them and I have no energy left. Yep, something's gotta give.